this isn't fun anymore

when did i become such a liar? why have i put myself in the situation where i have to actually monitor my actions and how i am perceived in public? whatever happened to the krista that was just inherently good? aren't i just ruining fun for me? i feel like i may have missed out on something really good in life because i can't be more truthful to people.

It is something i can't seem to bring myself to talk to anybody about yet, and it's suffocating me.
  • Current Music
    "Sand" - Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazelwood

(no subject)

oh hai, livejournal. facebook is so cold and surface. are you still alive?
ack, feelings of inadequacy, why do i dabble in things that really never work for me. i don't do "relationships". especially 3-way relationships. you can have each other . ew.

i need to step away from these things. i am happy i wasn't born blind, i think. but then, my blind friend says he feels so sorry for this girl with cerebral palsy before realizing that she is probably perfectly happy and doesn't need his pity.

need to tear myself away from passive consumption of safe narratives. need to not become complacent. what happened to my motivation? it's easier when it is for someone else, and that makes me upset.

(no subject)

I have become a hermit. i am trying to play the odds and not leave my house to get randomly shot at.

But I will use Teflon pots which are more likely to kill me.

oops slept until 1630 today.

Going to dye -my white shirt turned to grey- black tonight with my scratched up Teflon pot.

Guilt is kicking in finally over a year after i started being an uncivil insect person. I am reassessing my outlook with all of this bloody time on my hands at home. and cleaning my room. and entropy has already taken care of has returned to its usual state just about.

I need to get out of here. how did Descartes not go crazy locked up in a room for a year or whatever? he was lying! nobody would do this to themselves...i've only been doing this for a couple weeks.

been watching bloody 80s cartoons that made me happy then!

(no subject)

livejournal , i know facebook is probably killing you in a slow and painful way, but how do you go back to older friend's posts? I can only see the last 15 or so, and so can't even see into September...

(no subject)

Stupidly was reading up on Enola Gay and also looking at portraits from the New Objectivity paintings (Dix and Grosz drew/painted lots of war veterans with fucked up faces because of the war), causing sense of impending doom, as I left the Wilson library, I followed the bike path that goes past the Mill City Ruins (and in a sidenote, I can't believe that there are still giant pieces of mangled steel from the 35W bridge collapse along West River Parkway.)
Then I got to North Minneapolis. warehouses. and steel factories and desolation, and really thought i tortured myself enough for today and turned around. back home, eating curry and salad, drinking coffee, spend $18 on art supplies yesterday, that I should have saved for my Chicago trip coming up...
Chicago on the 24th! I'd like to go to the Art Institute for Francis Bacon paintings...actually I had taken up oil painting because of him...then, wander the "town" aimlessly, and mostly for the Gary Numan show on the's the Pleasure Principle tour...I need to figure out something to toss (throwing is too violent) at Mr. lingerie. or a car. i don't know.
  • Current Music
    Pleasure Principle

from vogdoid!

Cities I've lived in and number of addresses i've lived at in that city:

1. Cavalier, ND (1)
2. Apple Valley, MN (4)
3. Burnsville, MN (1)
4. Minneapolis, MN (7)

Shortest stay: about 7 months in downtown
Longest stay: 9 years
Smallest property: my Centennial Hall dormroom...but I quite liked it.
Largest property: When my family and I lived on a man-made lake in Apple Valley before my parents got divorced, which is why every other place I lived with my mom or dad has been small ever since.
Roommates: Jeni, Kristina, Adrienne, Tom, Emily, Gab, Tiff, Josh, Julie, Joanie, Amelia, Allie, Ryan/Medea, Kayla, Laura.
Cars: two.
Bikes: four.
Pets: 8 cats. a few hamsters.
Beach access: probably.
Transit access: i used the bus a ton in AV, but that only got me to the malls. and lots o minneapolis.
Restaurant access: um. lots.
Favorite property details: Jenny's shaggy green yellow carpet in her bedroom in Cavalier. We moved from there in '87. I had met my best friend at our first AV home while we were playing in the backyard, we were best friends for yeeears. I loved our yuppie house on Lac Lavon but that will probably be the biggest place i'll ever live in. I'll always look back fondly on the Prospect Park house, and I miss my Dinkytown apartment all the time, but i didn't fit in in dinkytown anymore, i was never at my bloody downtown apt since i spent too much time with a boyfriend, and regret this, and i hated my corcoran house because it was unbearably messy. powderhorn is alright, but i don't know where to go next.
Problems: cockroaches in downtown, bad karaoke across the street every other night in dinkytown..smells coming from al's breakfast at 6 in the morning where bad, a shooting on the other side of the street, leaks in ceilings, crazy landlady...

i got stuck with the lame superpowers.

woke up to a fly or something of the like stuck in my hair. that was a first to catch one while i'm not actually moving, but just to ensure i disgust some of you, I catch winged bugs about once a week in my hair when i am on my bike or even walking. the first time i recall it happening, i was walking home listening to my headphones and heard this rather loud repeating beating sound, and thought it was my tape player acting up. so i turned that off, and still heard this beating noise, and thought, 'oh cool, another pair of headphones bite the dust' and took those off but the sound was still there. Then I thought it was emanating from the house i was walking past, but realized the sound was just as loud as i kept walking, and had a freakout moment where i said 'ok now is the time where my brain or ears are bad and i have some fatal disease?' ...then i realized the sound may have resembled the sound of a dragonfly moving its then i in a panic wipe this bug out of my hair. i never saw it. i never do, i wipe them out and they are gone (hopefully). i can't find any bug guts in my hair later. i'm not such a good vegetarian, since i have hair that eats bugs, but i'm just trying to give the spiders a rest from all that bugcatching. my hair is a spiderweb in essence.

and kayla cut one of my dreads in half yesterday. once you cut one open, it is kinda like Body Worlds. everytime i make someone cut one of my dreads in half, they make an uncomfortable noise while they are doing it, and i say 'what does it look like?' and they can never describe it, say i have to see it, but i cannot see the back of my head. and i say 'what color is it?' and they cannot describe that either. a color that has never been seen before so therefore has no name? how lovecraftian of my disgusting hair. i realized i have had the same bottles of aveda shampoo and conditioner since october 2007. what the fuck is my problem?: i have a condition where i experience the passage of time at a much faster rate than you. i have learned to compensate for this condition by talking infinitely slower so you can hear me, but a 33 day period for you feels like 3 days to me. this accounts for not having anything to show for this life and having a blank persona. if experience precedes essence, i am still awaiting that experience. my to do list is half of a notebook long. therefore it only crosses my mind to wash my hair once every ten days, and i have the ability to stay at a job for 3 years (wait, it is more than 3.5 since i thought of it) with the intention of trying all the 30 darjeelings there in this time, and maybe having half (1000 days of darjeeling and puerh neglect). and i will stop and think of how i have been listening to the same 3 records in my tape player for a year now. what is this: 1.5% of my life listening to the same music assuming i actually live to be 75.

This is Joanie (1petal) at my favorite restaurant Little T's.
  • Current Music
    einstuerzende neubauten, alles wieder offen

(no subject)

omg,i just realized i have photoshop still. i will be playing with contrast/brightness and threshold for stencils.midlifecrisis.

p.s. the spacebar is not working on my computer very well anymore :(

woke up with a package at my door of cds and t-shirts from paul robb. this made me sooo happy.

calluses and canada

i am building 3 calluses on my fingers. Two from riding Kayla's bike (I really like mine better. hers is one of those luxury bikes with shock absorption and cushiony bikeseats for fat asses like my own... i like my bike to be more cold and less loving. like my men) alas, my bike's brake cables broke (luckily this was discovered whilst going uphill, gawd, that could have sucked otherwise) and her bike doesn't have that trashy moldy foam on the handles (which i like, cuz i like my handlebars like my men, trashy)

eleanor moves to toronto tomorrow for grad school, maria moved to milwaukee 2 weeks ago, and then she is off to prague for an indefinite amount of time (something about needing to get away from mpls). tryouts for replacement close friends tomorrow. help.

found the book _Die neuen Leiden des jungen W._ (_the new sufferings/sorrows of young W._) for a dollar yesterday. this book is so adolescent. it is a remake of Goethe's _The Sorrows of Young Werther_ that takes place when it was written (in the 70s.) i read the enlish translation when i was still a teenager. but, i am certain it is still a good story (and will hopefully help me learn german), and anything that pays homage to _the sorrows of young werther_ deserves the time of day. please read goethe's _the sorrows of young werther_. you'll be confused how a 200 year old novel could capture teenage angst better than john hughes and salinger.

saw vnv nation with jeni and trace last wednesday. going to slim cessna friday.

Came home to discover more bikes at the Playboy Suicide Mansion. :D

Joanie and I can finally go biking together

My simulated old school INSOC shirt (i hate tshirts made after, like 1991). so that is how i got a callus: from making lots o' stencils with an X-Acto blade without the X-Acto knife. cuz i'm punk.. or unable to find my knife.

Axl Rose walked in my room to try on a labcoat? no, that's my sleeping mask. axl rose came in to wear my sleeping mask.

thank you for not moving away, everyone else.
  • Current Music
    david sylvian, secrets of the beehive